I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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