Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
