so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
