in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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