Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think a kid would responsible me up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
