My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
