toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's never too late to be topless.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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