listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
