Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
