This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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