You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The best revenge is premature balding
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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