I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
