We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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