Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
