What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
