my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
