i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
