Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
