if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
