Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
