i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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