I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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