I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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