As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Found the puke drawer
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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