btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
