its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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