I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
