At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
