I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I love having hate sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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