i think i have two assholes
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
