gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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