I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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