All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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