I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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