Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
