Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
