Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
