Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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