Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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