Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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