I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
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No stitches, just platelets and will power
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.