There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
