Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
