Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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