Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
