Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
