there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
