Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
