Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
