My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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