just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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