I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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