so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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