Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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