If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
