He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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