Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
