i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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