You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
