I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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