I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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