There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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